I have a secret – other people talk about how making new year’s resolutions is so stupid, but I love making resolutions. There is just something so hopeful about pretending a new year will make it easier to have some self discipline. It wasn’t until last year that I realized that I never keep my resolutions. Or at least hardly ever. A few years ago I gave up soda and potato chips for my resolutions. I kept them for six months and then I let myself have them both again. I was pretty proud that I made it that long. But I love me some potato chips.
The most disappointing thing about my resolutions is that they aren’t even original – lose weight, get out of debt, stop hiding dead bodies in the crawl space – the same resolutions everyone else has. So this year I didn’t make any resolutions. Instead, I made a list of resolutions that I’m glad I don’t have to make. Does that make any sense?
Here they are…
Have electrolysis on my back hair.
Have tattoos reading “Mark” and “Will” removed from my left butt cheek.
Find out who my baby daddy is.
Stop pooping on the neighbor’s mailbox and yard decorations. (hopefully the neighbor’s dog WILL make this one.)
But I did make one sort of resolution. Mom, if you are reading this, you might want to stop now. I decided that this year, every time Bryan and I engage in, you know, red hot righteous monogamy, I am going to put a quarter in a container. And at the end of 2009 we will use the money to go out and have a really nice dinner. Like steaks and appetizers and wine at a really fancy place. Or if 2009 is anything like 2008, we will split a cheeseburger at McDonald’s. Here’s to a great 2009!